I'm Still Here
by Chloe Winchester
Summary: Tag to 7.01/7.02 Cas isn't gone. He's still watching over his friends, and begging for help. NO SLASH! Spoilers for 7.01 and 7.02
1. Chapter 1

-Major **spoilers **for 7.01 and 7.02. **No slash** intended-

**I'm Still Here**

"_RUN!"_

I fought them as hard as I could, using every ounce of strength I possessed to keep them away from my friends. No, no, they would not harm them they…They're so strong. I caught a glimpse of Dean, still standing there, still with me.

Dean, why aren't you running? Why aren't you getting away from me? They'll hurt you, they'll kill you! They'll-

The claws at the back of my soul dug in deeper, grabbing my shoulders, tearing me away from my physical form.

"_Can't fight us…"_ They hissed.

"_Let go, Castiel…"_

"Our_ will be done…"_

"_Take him."_

"_Take him."_

"_TAKE HIM!"_

I was falling, tumbling into black, thick nothingness, my wings slowing my descent by a fraction. No, no, this couldn't be happening. I couldn't let them hurt Dean! There was so much I needed to do. I needed to fix Sam, I needed to convey to Dean how sorry I am for my damnable actions.

Now, I was scared, terrified of just where I was. Was I dead? Was I dying? What was happening to me? So I said the only thing that I could think to; the one thing that could bring me comfort in this terrible world.

"DEEEAAAN!"

A pointless waste of energy, but it was all I could think to say. I'd betrayed him, turned him away, told him I didn't care about him anymore and he still stayed with me. He still helped me. I wanted my friend!

"_DEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" _I screamed, stripped of any composure.

I landed hard, stars dancing in front of my eyes, head throbbing, wing broken. I gasped raggedly, opening my eyes, sickeningly dizzy, bleeding and naked.

When my eyes focused I was in a banned cell, laying on a freezing concrete floor, shivering. A single orb of light encircled me, not enough to see where this hall ended, bit enough to show I was surrounded by more, like some sort of prison. I looked around, sitting up with effort, head aching.

"Hello?" I whispered. I wasn't certain as to what I expected in return. "Hello!" My voice was weak, trembling with my body, terrified.

Something slithered around me in the dark where I couldn't see. I backed against the wall, wincing, trying to hold my wing to lessen the pain.

"_Castiel…" _I looked up, trying to find the source of the voice.

"Hello?" I squeaked, sounding like a frightened child. "Who's there?"

"_We're here, and you're dead,"_ the one voice was now three, two men and one woman, the sound harsh in my ears. I knew them. They were the same that had forced my hand and murdered those innocent people. The leviathan.

"No," I tried to sound brave. Maybe if I pretended not to be afraid the way Dean did they'd be frightened too. "You have stolen my vessel. I am-"

"_Nothing!"_ They said. I winced. _"You are _nothing, _Castiel. You are a weakling, dirt, a pathetic excuse for a living thing. You should be _honored _to host us."_

"No, no, I am an angel of the-" They laughed at me.

"_Lord? What Lord?"_ I stared at the floor, shamed. _"We are you masters, now. In fact, we think we should reward you for bringing us to such a delectable world." _The cell door opened. I didn't move. I waited for something terrible to happen. I shook my head.

"No."

"_But Castiel,"_ they cooed, goading me. _"You could be happy here…"_ I looked up. Beyond the door of this penitentiary was a vast grassy meadow, a gentle wind blowing against flower petals, sunshine warming every blade, the so clear and beautiful. No pain, no fear, no evil, my mistakes gone…but what really made me take that jolt toward it...? Dean. He held his hand out to me, smiling, peace in his eyes that I had never seen before.

"C'mon, Cas," he said, smiling. Sam appeared behind him, just as at ease. He looked at his older brother, smiling warmly.

"We don't remember Hell here, Cas," he said. "It's like it never happened."

"Come with us," Dean urged. "If you come with us we can be a family again. I forgive you for what you did, Cas."

Tears welled in my eyes as I looked at him, bit because he forgave my sins, but because…because it wasn't real. He wasn't really there, neither was Sam. It was all an illusion that I so desperately wanted to let myself believe, but…but it was a lie, and my friends were still out there with these things, not with me.

"It's not real," I gulped. "It's not real." I looked away, crying.

"_The slave doesn't want his reward?"_ They snarled. _"Fine."_

The meadow disappeared, melting into fire and brimstone, surrounded by shrieks of agony and inhuman laughter. Hell.

Meat hooks swung down, clutching into Dean's shoulder and side, chains tightening around his wrists and ankles, hauling into the burning pit and in front of Alistair, who immediately started to cut and carve into him.

"_NO!"_ I screamed, but it was drowned out by his screaming.

"DEAN!" Sam yelled, cut off by a chain snaking around his neck and yanking him hard. He clutched at it, writhing, stopping beside my brother, who put a hand on his shoulder. Sam whimpered, jerking away, petrified. "No, no, please, no! Cas, help!"

Lucifer looked at me, grinning. "This is all your fault."

"_SAAM!" _Dean screamed as Alistair sliced through his shirt and his skin. His eyes met mine, agonized and spilling tears. "_CAS_! Cas, you can save me! Save me again, please! You can save me and Sam, PLEASE!" The scar on his shoulder glowed hot, the one I gave him when I saved him before… "CAS, PLEASE!" I turned away, sobbing.

"No, no, you're not real. It's not real" I cried, my heart mangling when seeing Dean's wounds, listening to his screams, shutting my eyes as he and Sam screamed my name. "It's not real…"

The heat behind me faded away, the leviathan above me laughing, humiliating me. "You're using images from my mind," I whispered. "This is my mind, you can't do what you want with it."

"_Silence!"_ They bellowed.

"I am an angel, I have-"

"_NO POWER HERE!"_

I screamed, feeling my wings bend and crunch, breaking under their whim. I fell to the ground, blood coating my back and pooling around me.

"AHN! Oh…" I shut my eyes, choking and shuddering in agony. I tried to move…tried… The pain was overwhelming, so much that I wretched on the floor, gagging.

"_You're _nothing_," _they growled. _We could slaughter you right here if the feeble mind and body of your vessel could sustain us."_

"Where is he?" I asked, raggedly, coughing. "Where is Jimmy?"

The cell door creaked open again. _"Find him yourself."_ They laughed darkly. _"If you can."_ Their laughter faded away, signaling they had left me alone.

It took a long time before I found the strength to move on my own, standing with difficulty, using the bars to hoist myself up, my mangled limbs weeping bloody tears, shaking as I moved. Hot, salty tears stung my eyes as I walked, trying as hard as I could to keep going.

I had to find him. After everything I'd put him through I had to know he was alright. I had to explain my self and…and apologize.

I staggered down the hall, breathing raggedly, supporting myself with every bar I passed. "JIMMY!" I called, wincing, blood on my lips. "JIMMY!" Silence met me.

I walked for hours on end, possibly days, each step more excruciating than the last. Sometimes I'd trip over nothing, knowing it was them, trying to discourage me. It was working.

I pushed myself up once more, swallowing tears. _Have to find him_, I told myself. _Just find him._

"Jimmy!" My voice was weak, body shaking.

"Castiel?"

I jumped, looking into the almost pitch-black cell beside me. A figure was curled in the corner, hugging its knees. I swung inside the cell, knees shaking before I fell beside it. "Jimmy?" I whispered. He looked at me, beaten and scared, clothes torn, terrified. "Are you alright?" He shook his head, staring at me.

"What are those things?" He breathed. "Wh-what do they want? Why didn't they leave with the rest?" He looked around. Now, I understood what these cells were for. The souls I had harvested stayed here, put here by the Leviathan proving their dominance, and Jimmy was no exception to this rule.

"Don't worry about them," I assured. "They are my concern, not yours." He shut his eyes, leaning his head back, lips trembling.

"Castiel, could you…could you send me to that place I go to when you're doing something I don't want to see?" He begged, eyes shining. I nodded, gently touching his forehead, trying to convey to him that it would be alright. I would fight this with everything I had, and let him be in peace while I did so.

He closed his eyes, sighing very softly, cheeks swollen and raw.

"It'll be alright, Jimmy," I said. "Everything will be alright."

His whole body seized, mouth opening to a terrible, chilling shriek, tears seeping from under his eyelids, body tensing and seizing.

"JIMMY!"

"_We told you!" _They cackled. _"YOU HAVE NO POWER HERE!"_ Jimmy vanished as I reached for him, still screaming before-

A scream unlike any other ripped from my throat, a raw, echoing sound. My entire body tensed, sobbing so hard I was choking as…as my wings were torn from my body, bursting to nothing.

I cried, my heated face pressed into the concrete, screaming Dean's name in an effort to bring myself comfort.

"Dean! Dean, help me! _DEAAAN_!"

"_We're beating him right now," _they chuckled.

"Nohoh, no…"

"_You are powerless, Castiel. You aren't an angel here," _they cooed. _"You're less than human, less than any demon or monster on this earth. You are here to serve _us_."_

I continued to cry in my delirium, wishing that I had listened to Sam and Dean when they told me…when they told me I would get hurt. "M-my wings," I gulped, feeling that void, feeling so violated and poisoned.

"_Only angels have those,"_ they laughed.

"Dean," I moaned, trying to escape them. "Dean…"

"_You want to see your precious Dean?"_ They hissed. The room went black, leaving me in darkness I could never imagine. I whimpered, scared of what they would do next.

Suddenly, a screen burst to life in front of me, like a television. However what I was seeing was what was in front of my own eyes outside of this hellish prison I'd been cast in.

"Cas?" Dean said, right in front of me. I sat up, reaching for him.

I watched my own hands grab his jacket, grinning from ear to ear. "Cas is, hm, he's gone."

"No," I whispered, shaking my head.

"He's, _dead_."

I watched the horror dawn in my friend's eyes.

"No, Dean, I'm right here!" I called weakly. "I'm not gone, I'm right here!"

The Leviathan threw him across the room and into a table. "DEAN!"

Bobby went next, collapsing on the floor, leaving Dean alone. He looked back at us, still scared. I could hear things moving around me, slithering and clawing on walls that I couldn't see, their eyes glowing in the dark, all rushing to one place.

"Oh, this is going to be so much fun."

There were hundreds of them, thousands, and I had no will to stop them. They laughed collectively, hissing and clicking happily. There were a lot more of them than I anticipated. They were all trying to get to one place, overwhelming me.

I continued to stare at the screen. "Don't hurt him, I begged. Nothing answered.

"_WAIT!" _The original voices bellowed. _"Wait, not YET!"_

"…Your vessel's gonna explode, ain't it?" Dean said. My heart started to pound. I looked at all of them, and there were just more coming. I was going to die. They were going to kill me. They were too numerous, even I couldn't-

"We'll be back for you," my voice growled, staggering away from my frightened friend.

"NO!" Dean was my only solace here. I looked up. "LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT OF HERE! I WANT MY FRIEND BACK, PLEASE! PLEASE GIVE ME MY FRIEND BACK!" I covered my ears, the sound around me overwhelming, still floored from my mangled back.

"_WAIT!" _They weren't talking to me. _"Just wait!"_

"LET ME-"

Tbc…


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm Still Here**

Something burst, sending me and everything around me out of Jimmy in a flood. I spun, twisted and flew everywhere and nowhere all at once, surrounded by those blackened things.

When the dust cleared I found myself suspended in water. But I didn't feel its wetness, or the lack of oxygen. I didn't feel cold or hot…I felt nothing. I swam (more or less) to the surface, wondering just where I was and where the Leviathan had gone.

When I reached the surface an unseen force jerked me to shore, leaving me to stand directly beside-

"Dean!" I exclaimed, fatigued and battered body relieved. Thankfully I've been given my clothes back, save the trench coat, which Dean held in his hands. Dean spoke as if I hadn't. "Dean?" He didn't move. Neither he, Sam nor Bobby even _looked_ at me…They could not see me. I was a spirit, a shadow in their world.

My friend plucked my coat from the murky water, sadness in his eyes.

"Okay," he said, faking a smile, "so he's gone."

"No, Dean, I'm here!" I yelled, moving myself in front of him. "I'm right here!" My efforts were to no avail. He folded up the coat, on the precipice of breaking down. "Please, Dean!"

"Dumb son of a bitch," he spat, hurt. It hurt me too. He squeezed the jacket, so pained.

"Dean, please, can't you see me?" No reaction. My chest ached. I looked to Sam, rushing to him. "Sam! Sam, please, I know you're seeing things that are not real, but I am! Please, Sam, if you can see me, look at me!" No response. I sniffed, eyes wet. "Why?" I whispered, defeated. I watched them walk away from me, feeling so alone, so helpless. Maybe I could harness some energy, break something. Then they would know I was still here, they'd know. I'd just have to learn how to do it and then-

"I wouldn't waste my time with that." I spun around, ready to fight. "It would be such a squander of your valuable afterlife."

Death.

I stared at him, wondering just what he was going to do with me. He scoffed. "I'm not going to kill you. I already tried doing that. I will say though, this fate is one far worse than where I would have sent you."

"Am I… am I an apparition?" I breathed.

"Of sorts," he allowed, shrugging slightly. "Being a spirit would actually be a blessing to you. You might have hope of making contact with your friends."

"What am I?" My voice trembled.

"A sort of ghost's ghost," he ventured. I frowned, confused. "What I mean to say is, even ghosts can't see you, Castiel. The only being that can get to you on this plane is me." He leaned against his Cadillac, a greasy bag of food in his hand. He offered it to me. "Corn nugget?" I shook my head.

"So I…There is no way out of here?" He nodded. "Why won't you kill me?"

"I'm not sure how to do that," he said simply. "I've never had to take care of an angel with unfinished business before. The reapers I sent for you got lost on the way. It took me some time to locate you and I'm supposed to be Death. I would send you to Purgatory, if I could. Believe you me, I would."

I did have unfinished business. I had to restore Sam, I had to help Dean. Those were my primary goals. I owed Dean so much in apologies, so much to make up for to receive some mitigation from my guilt for what I'd done to him. I couldn't leave yet. Not now. They needed me. But…but I would be alone.

"I think I'll let you flutter around here for awhile until I figure something out," he explained.

"I will be alone," it wasn't a question, simply a statement seeking confirmation.

"Sadly, yes," he said.

"Will I be able to stay with Sam and Dean?" I asked, voice breaking. He nodded. "How?" It was getting worse.

"Just think about them." And he was gone.

I was alone, all alone… I closed my eyes, tears on my cheeks. "Dean…"

When I opened my eyes I was in Bobby's house, watching Dean give Sam a bottle of water, taking care of him as usual.

It carried on like this. Sam revealed his visions of Lucifer, which only pained my heart further.

That night, Dean and Bobby sat in the kitchen, Dean turning on the GPS in Sam's cell phone, protection if he decided to abscond.

"And you?" Bobby asked. "How're you doin'?"

"Seriously, Bobby, it ain't like he's hexed, ya know? I mean what if it's the kind of crazy you can't fix?" Dean snapped. "

"Yeah, I'm," Bobby said, allowing him that. "I'm worried too, but…Humor me for a second. How are you?" Dean stared at him, agitated.

"Who cares?"

"I do," I mumbled to nothing.

"Don't you think our mailbox is a little full right now? I'm fine," he said, shrugging the emotion off as usual.

"You're not fine, Dean, please stop lying," I whispered. What was the point?

"Right," Bobby said, cynical. "Weren't you just pissed at him when he said the same thing just a couple hours before he blew his marbles all over the floor?" Sometimes I wonder what the Winchesters would do without him.

"Yeah well," the younger man went for the coffee. I'm sure if it weren't for Bobby it would be something much harder. "I'm not Sam, 'kay? Keep my marbles in a lead friggin' box. I'm fine, really."

His eyes weren't fine. His body language wasn't fine. He was weary, afraid for his younger brother and so very tired. I wondered if he mourned me at all.

"Course," Bobby said, almost mocking him. "Just lost one of the best friends you ever had-"

"No, he didn't."

"…your brother's in the bell jar and…Purgatory's most wanted are surfin' the sewer lines. But yeah, I get it. Right. You're…you're _fine_." Now I know he was mocking him. Dean looked at him, ignoring the blatant sarcasm.

"Good." He went back to the laptop, trying to get away from Bobby and his concern.

"Stop it," I demanded. "Stop doing this to yourself."

He didn't. He never would.

In the year that followed, he never once spoke of me. My coat stayed at the bottom of his bag, never thought of, never touched. I watched him rebuild his car; I watched Sam's hallucinations plague him as I looked on, so helpless to his pain, wishing I could help him, or tell Dean of his distress so he could do something.

I grew weary, never having to sleep, never leaving them. Sam and Dean were still my charges, and I was ordered to watch over them all those years ago, years that seemed to be more of a lifetime away than I could have imagined.

Then Bobby sent him to Kansas to learn the reasoning behind a swim team becoming cannibalistic, mainly to understand if it was the Leviathan.

I went with him, deciding that Sam would be safe with Bobby. I wanted to keep an eye on Dean, even if there was nothing I could do to stop him. I had to know he was safe.

I sat in the Impala with him, not feeling the leather seats, or the rumble of the engine. I looked between my hands and his face, listening to the silence. No music, just his breathing and the loud, old car.

He glanced up.

"Cas," He said, startling me. I stared at him, hopeful.

"Dean?"

"Cas, if you're up there…please come back. Or try to. Sam's…God, he's losin' it, Cas. And I…I don't know what else to do," he swallowed hard, silent for a moment. "C'mon, Cas, tell me you can here me. Tell me you're not gone."

"I'm here, Dean," I said softly. "I'm right here. You just…you just can't see me."

He sighed, discouraged, eyes bleary. "Damn it, Cas, you can't tell me you're really gone. You came back before…"

I felt tears in my eyes.

"I'm not gone, Dean, I'm right here!" I tried to touch his shoulder, only to watch my hand fall through him. I stared at him, knowing I could never lessen his pain. A tear fell to my cheek.

"I wish I could help you, Dean," I said truthfully. "I…I just wish things were back to normal."

That was all he said –save talking to a witness or two and a few police officers- for quite some time.

I allowed myself to pretend that I was helping him with the hunt, that when he thought aloud while doing research that he was talking to me. Was it pathetic? Incredibly so, but…but it was all I had.

On his final night there he sat on the bed, reaching into his bag to pull out a bottle of whiskey, taking a long swig.

"You shouldn't do that," I mumbled to nothing. "It's not good for you."

He dug in the bag again and this time…this time he took out my coat. He looked at it. He swallowed hard, tears welling in his eyes.

"Damn it," he spat. "Why? Why don't you ever do what you're told?" His voice was harsh. "Heaven tells you to do something, you do the opposite, we tell you to do something and you completely ignore us and get yourself killed."

A tear tapped onto the fabric.

"You were more than my friend, Cas. You were my brother, and losing you hurt like hell. There, I said it," he punched each word as he spoke, angry with himself and with me. "I fucking miss you, okay? And…" His voice choked off. "Damn it, Cas, get your ass back here!"

My lips trembled, hands shaking.

"I'M HERE, DEAN! I'M RIGHT HERE!"

He didn't hear me. He would never hear me.

And we were both left here with our tears.

Alone.

**END**


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